Superpowers. We’ve all thought about them and we’ve all wished we had them. Which one is best you ask? Well, I’m no expert so I really can’t help you out. Sowwie!
Are the non believers gone? Those who either don’t care about superpowers or believed me when I said I couldn’t actually shed some light on the whole superpower thing? Phew! So it’s just us then, the awesomely wow folk who wish upon all the shooting stars that they could have even just one itsy bitsy little power of the super variety. Muahaha. I’mma good trixy trickster. It’s almost like, I have superpowers… or something. *GASP!*
So being the lamesauce and fantastical person that I am, I have dreamed of having superpowers forever. For reals. I often dream that I can fly and shoot lasers out of my eyes… simultaneously, while traveling back in time to ride a dinosaur and meet Albie Einstein (Aka- That really smart guy). All in a days work, right? RIGHT? Right. Ok, now that we’re all on the same page, let us discuss the powers that are super!
SUPER STRENGTH: This superpower can be found in losers like Hulk, Superman & Thor. ( Yep. That’s right, I said it. THEY SUCK. And I’ve fully prepared myself for the hate mail, so bring it on.) What can you do with this power, you ask? Well.. you get to be strong! Grrr-RAWRRR! You’ll be able to rip trees straight from the ground, ya know, in case you ever need to do that. You’ll be able to lift cars off of babies! Don’t know why babies are playing under cars, but who cares because YOU will get to save them! And you’ll be able to open very stubborn pickle jars. Yay! Everybody wins! This has never been a power I’ve really cared about having. However with that being said, when I go back and read what I just wrote, it sounds more and more appealing to me.
TELEPORTATION: This one, I want. Nightcrawler shares my enthusiasm as well because he also has this wicked awesome ability. Imagine instantly teleporting to any location in this world and beyond simply by willing it! Who wouldn’t want that? Lame people, that’s who. I bet Superman would be all “Meh. I don’t want that.” (Because he’s lame.) You have to be careful with this one though because you don’t want to be all “teleporty” and zap yourself too high up in the air or accidentally woosh yourself on the sun or something. If you’re wanting a tan, woosh to Hawaii or Mexico or your local Fabutan. Always remember, the sun is NOT for tanning. Still though, I want this one. I’ll take the risk. With great power, comes great bragging rights and I’d be ALL KINDSA bragging about this if I had it. And you would too.
INVULNERABILITY: Hulk & Super*lame*man has this one too. Sweet goodness, how many powers do they have?! Anyways, this one both intrigues & bores me, all at once. You’re immune to poison, corrosion, direct impact, radiation, and anything else that can kill you. Which yes, I can see why that would be helpful. But things like hunger, drowning, asphyxiation and old age you still have to worry about. Here’s my problem with this one. If I had it, I may start to get a little cocky after my 12th time jumping off the Empire State building just for kicks, and knowing me I’d totally forget that something as stupid as water could kill me. I’d be all jumping out of planes without a parachute and not realize I’m doing so above the Pacific Ocean. Then I’d be dead. And embarrassed to boot.
SHAPE SHIFTING: Mystique has this one. She’s kinda awesome. If I were her, I’d always morph into Jensen Ackles pillow. With this power, you can take on the appearance or shape of any person real or imagined and emulate any voice or scent. You can be anyone you’ve ever wanted to be. Identity theft has never been this easy! You could thief ALL the identities. The shape shifter is also potentially the ultimate prankster and is very hard to catch, which makes for very fun times in my opinion.
TELEPATHY: Professor Xavier enjoys this one. Simply put, you can read minds. I don’t think I’d want this. More importantly, I wouldn’t want anyone I know to have it! When my best friend asks me what I think of their new hair, the last thing I need is for them to know what I’m ACTUALLY thinking. I’mma lovely & sweet girl. I wish to keep it that way. But, a good (and funny) reason why it would be a gooder is if someone is getting on your nerves, just send images of Jack Black in a speedo directly to their noggin and enjoy the show! (Sorry to his fans. But even HE laughed at that.)
SUPER SPEED: The Flash & Superman gots this. The title says it all. You’re fast. Super fast. Kinda boring if you ask me. I don’t have much to say about this one, but all I will say is that I wouldn’t want it if I were a guy… (*wink* Get it? It’s a sex joke. Did you get it? See what I did there? *wink*)
MIND CONTROL: Again, Professor Xavier has this one in the bag. And again, it’s something I want nothing to do with! I don’t want to control minds or have anyone controlling mine. I want people to learn for themselves that I’m awesomesauce, I don’t wanna have to control them into thinking it. However, it would be benefitial for when I want flowers and chocolates personally delivered to me by Robert Downey Jr… Hmm.
SUPERHUMAN INTELLIGENCE: Brainiac rocks this one. (If he’s soooo smart, then why didn’t he come up with a more original name?) I’d love to have this one. Not that I’m not smart already (Muahaha. See? The fact that I even said that makes me smart.), but I want to be THE SMARTEST. What would I do if I had this power? Clear my schedule and go on Jeopardy. I’d be on for so many days. ALL the days. Yes, this one is in my top 3.
TIME TRAVEL: Oh man. I adore this one. The time travelers wife is a favorite book of mine and I just love the whole idea of it. I’d do so many things! Everyone tells me that I was born in the wrong decade. I’m more of a top hat and frilly dress kinda girl, I love all things vintage. I’d go back and buy ALL the lovely dresses, I’d meet Audrey Hepburn, and I’d go way back and meet a dinosaur! Maybe I’d even steal a long-neck-a-saurus’s egg, bring it with me to the present time and make my own Jurassic Park! One with only that one dinosaur though. Wouldn’t be much of a park I guess, hmm. I may have to rethink that. But, this traveling through time thing also comes with a warning. Judging from nearly every time-travel story ever written, this power may have you making a mess of our reality more than anything else. It’s a risk I’d totally take though. Screw you all. I’mma bring back vintage dresses & dinosaur eggs!
FLIGHT: Superman, again, has this. I want this simply because flights these days are so pricey and I want to travel! I’d still take teleportation over this one though, but it would be a fun and handy power to show off.
Now that I’ve done the top super-amazing-fantastical-wonderous-wonderful powers, allow me to shed some light on the less common powers. I now present you with…
THE MOST USELESS “STUPID-POWERS” NOBODY WOULD WANT.
ACID TEARS: This one would be nice for my enemies to have. I’d show them photos of the Titanic & clips from The Notebook to make them cry! Muahaha! *cough* I mean, no. I’d never do that. Whaaa?
BULLET ATTRACTION: No, I don’t mean you’re wanting to “do bullets”, as they say. (Is that what they say? I don’t think anyone has ever said that before me.) I mean bullets are attracted to you like white on rice! Or brown on rice. Depending on which you like best. I like brown better, but I’d rather none because I dislike rice. Anyways, bullets from any gun around you would be all up in your business. Nobody needs that.
ABSORB BAD LUCK: Well you may as well just go find & lose a rabbits foot, for goodness sakes. (Sweet goodness, I’ve been watching far too much Supernatural.)
SPLIT SECOND SUPER-STRENGTH: Remember my whole thing on how great it would be to save babies by lifting cars off of them? Could you do that all in a split second? Would you want to risk being squished by that car? And think of the baby. AWKWARD!
SUPER SLOW-MO SPEED: Eh. Just think of how terrible life would be if we had to see movies with Sacha Baron Cohen in slow-mo. ‘Nuff said. I think I’d be wishing I had bullet attraction at that point. (No offense to him. I’m sure he’s just a fine sort. When he’s not doing the things he does & all.)
Well, that’s my list. There are many more I know. I just like these ones best. If you’d like to add to the list, leave a comment. Or maybe I’ll make a part two! Or maybe just leave a comment. We shall see. And if you’d like to dislike me for bashing Superman so much, well go ahead. Even though while writing this, I realized that he has SO many powers, I also realized that he may have TOO many powers. Batman & Ironman are still favorites though. Sowwie Stupidman. (GASP!) I mean…
Peace, love & sarcasm,